This Hard Time

 

Today, on my last week of recording videos, I made six language arts videos. Only one was available to load onto YouTube, by the end of the afternoon. The rest are missing. There is no record that I ever made them. But, I did press "record", and zoom took 20 minutes to compress the files, so I know that they exist. Somewhere they are there, in the dark recesses of my computer.

This is a metaphor for my year. I know that I've given my best. I've tried my absolute hardest. But, there is very little proof of success. I have ultimately no control over the academic gains of my students. Those with self-discipline, those who are willing to do their work, will learn. Those who are unwilling, will fall behind, because the "fourth grade slump" is very real. You can't coast.

Today, I received a card from a teacher friend. I've known her for about 18 years. She confided in me that she finally started taking antidepressants. She said that she couldn't take staring at the faceless black zoom boxes anymore. She couldn't stand watching the chaos in the streets every night on the news. I am comforted by the fact that someone who is an outstanding teacher is also feeling the burn. I've been trying to power through this year, to just put on my horse blinders, and run the race. But, it gets harder each day. I am so glad that this friend went to a doctor to get help. She is a kind, caring, and compassionate human being. She is precisely the sort of person that kids need in their lives. Her card was a blessing to me today.

This pandemic time is not for the faint of heart. In two weeks, I will be responsible for the health and well-being of twenty students. I know that they will try to stay safe. But, this virus is stubborn. And, there are people who will not get vaccinated. And, there are people who will not wear masks.

And, today, there were two more mass school shootings...

So, I'm going to go pet the dogs hard, and take some sleeping pills. I will get my book out and read. My book is about an Austrian Jewish woman, who is stuck on the Channel Islands after the Nazi invasion, and the British surrender. It is based on a true story. 

I will keep making art work. I will get through this hard time. People have gone through worse.